We’ve been teaching through the biblical foundations of our church covenant over the last several weeks. A few Sundays back, I taught the third of our nine church covenant commitments: With humility and gentleness, patience and love, we will be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God, for Christ’s sake, has forgiven us

This covenant commitment is rooted in Colossians 3:1-13, where Paul exhorts the church at Colossae to “set your mind on things above” and to “seek things above.” Throughout the remainder of this section, Paul details what he means by this; that these Christian are to put to death what is earthly — “sexual immorality…wrath, malice, slander…”–– and put on traits that are heavenly, “compassionate hearts, patience, bearing one another, and forgiving as Christ has forgiven you.”

We said this third covenant commitment is really a commitment to heavenly-mindedness. Not a kind of distant, cold, dour, faux heavenly-mindedness we might assume; it's rather a warm, gentle, meek heavenly-mindedness that looks like The Occupant of heaven: the Lord Jesus himself. We are to be forgivers, as God, who has forgiven us in Christ, is a forgiver (Col 3:13).

The good news of the Gospel is we’re forgiven. But it's also that God’s Holy Spirit is at work within us, remaking us into agents of His grace and His forgiveness in the world.

And that's good and all… but for many of us, this talk of forgiveness raises this question: what even is forgiveness? What are we being commanded to do when Jesus tells us to forgive? What does forgiveness require of us? The following list comes from author Ken Sande. I've found these four commitments to be very helpful in working towards forgiveness in my own experience.

First, we're saying: “I will not dwell on this incident.” A person wrongs you. You replay the situation in your mind again. And again. And again. You prepare what you'll say the next time you see them. You spend 10 minutes every morning – without any intention of doing so – rehearsing the conversation in your “hypothetical argument simulator” (see right).

What's the problem with this? It's like picking a scab. Even if we earnestly wanted to be reconciled, replaying the wrong over and over is never going to allow ourselves to actually move back towards the one who wronged us. It only keeps the issue alive and the wound open. We must say: "I forgive you; I will not dwell on this incident."

Second, we're saying: “I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.” All too often, when we're sinned against, particularly by someone close us, we unbox the mental rolodex and we recall all the instances in which this person has wronged us in this way. And we aim to let them know. “This is so typical of you… this is just like when you… I can't believe we're talking about this AGAIN…” We catalogue this hurt so as to always have some kind of leverage against the offender. But we must reject this. Paul tells us that "love keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Cor. 13:5). In forgiving someone, we are committing to put this situation away for good. We must say: "I forgive you; I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you."

Third, we're saying: “I will not talk to others about this incident.” Out of feigned concern for the offenders well-being, we often share our grievance with someone else. It's a way to scratch a kind of sick itch to recruit people to gang up on the offender. Often times, in the name of venting, we let all our frustrations be known to another and, rather than a vague “feeling better,” we feel even more hurt, and even more justified in our resentment. In nearly every situation, the wisest way forward is to confront the person who has wronged you, speak honestly about the situation, and resolve to work things out with them in private. We must say: "I forgive you; I will not talk to others about this incident.”

Finally, we're saying: “I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.” We must be committed to reconciliation if at all possible, and I must be willing to do my part in restoring the relationship inasmuch as it depends on me.

But what about extreme situations? Aren't there situations in which a relationship is forever changed; instances of abuse or other grievous sins? There is no question. Some of us have been wronged in profoundly evil ways. It's the tragic reality of a fallen world. So what about these four commitments; do these four commitments still apply? I'd say yes, that they especially apply here.

In some ways, it's helpful to revisit our alternatives here. What else can be done? We could dwell on this/these offense(s). We could seethe with resentment towards the offender over this legitimate, awful wrong. But as one author has said, refusing to grant forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Resentment feels like a kind of power, a way to “punish” the offender. But in actuality, it's a corrosive, embittering force that damages us far more than anyone else. Even in hard circumstances, we must forgive as Christ has forgiven us. No, more than that; we can forgive as Christ has forgiven us. We are given the supernatural ability from the Lord Jesus Himself to begin moving past deep wrongs committed against us. We're freed from sin in Christ; mine and others.

Of course, that isn't easy. Or automatic. Nor does forgiveness mean the shape of the relationship remains the same (in some instances, trust is so broken and the relationship is so damaged that the relationship must end). But in our hearts, so far as it depends on us, we must be willing to release resentment towards another and extend the same forgiveness Christ has extended to us.

May the Lord grace us with His supernatural mercy.